But this is where we used to live
Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux
I want them back
Oh you guys, I can't even express how very much I wanted to just jump in my car and drive to Trevecca, call you and have you all meet me on the roof of Jernigan, and just have a powwow tonight. I just don't know what has come over me, just that old feeling, and I want to call it homesickness. Walking around my apartment complex parking lot alone just doesn't have the same feel to it. I know no one reads this anymore, so there's really no point in posting, but you all live at home and I don't want to wake your parents by calling.
I'm just a little lost right now, I feel like every single thought I have is a completely selfish one, every action I take is with my own benefit in mind, I see only the effects of all my relationships for me without truly thinking about the other person, and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I spend the majority of my days alone, with short periods of interruption from people wanting latte's or sandwiches, and when they do I feel like they are intruding on my time. I have too much time to think, not enough time to take action. It is always this; always that I WANT, or say that I want to help people... and I never actually do it, I sit on my butt. I have been trying to take this to God, but that's another relationship I'm being very selfish about. I just want all my negative feelings to go away, and then I will "lalala" along my way.
I know we all go through times of dissatisfaction with our lives when really, they are very good compared to some. I am really just bored with my job at the coffee shop and ready to do something different, ready to do something challenging, something artistic, something compassionate. I want to live in community, a huge house with tons of people, some clutter, some dishes, but a lot of love and the smells of cooking, sunlight on worn out couches and people making music on different instruments, fire in the fireplace at night, and people gathered around telling stories. I want large trees in the yard to climb, and secrets to share, and treasures to bury. Come live in community with me! Home! We'll all have chores we have to do, and we'll get angry at each other, but we'll get over it and we'll still love each other! We'll laugh about it later! (Grey's Anatomy....that stupid jello HAHAHA). Please? Karye hug, I need to sink into one right now.
